Leader's Debate

For those that couldn’t be arsed with watching the debate on TV tonight,  here’s a simple (biased) guide to who the main parties represent…

CONSERVATIVE

If you have lots of money, and only care about yourself and how much money you have, then vote Tory. If you really believe that by making the rich richer, it will improve the lives of the poor, then this is the party for you. Most of the Tory policies sound reasonable, but their implementation is always skewed towards keeping their friends happy, and basically works along the principles that education, healthy lifestyles and materialistic belongings are only for those with the ‘right’ background. Recent ‘successes’ for the Conservatives include higher suicide rates among the poor, less people entering university from lower class backgrounds and the average wage of the country getting higher by increasing the wages of the top 1%.

LABOUR

The Labour party once stood for ‘the working man’ and equality. Unfortunately, the re-invention of ‘New Labour’ in the 90’s brushed all this aside to concentrate on winning votes. Moving towards the centre ground of politics they now stand for nothing except being ‘against the Tories’. If you don’t like the Tories, but want to be in with a chance of backing the party that might win, then this is the party for you. Their current policies are all reasonable, but always tempered with trying to appeal to everyone. Complacency whilst in government before the Tories was their biggest downfall, and although there are a few MPs that still hold ‘socialist’ views, generally they are career politicians that believe they might have got away with it if it wasn’t for that pesky war business.

LIBERAL DEMOCRATS

Even their leader no longer knows what the party stands for since they made an unholy alliance with the Devil in 2010 to gain a bit of power and “change politics forever” by insisting on Proportional Representation in return for having all their other policies ignored. As these type of deals often end up, the dark side convinced them that it wasn’t really PR that they wanted, but ‘a form of PR’ that wasn’t quite PR but a mix of both systems. When put to the public, no-one knew what they meant, and even strong supporters of PR voted against the change, thus leaving the party with well paid jobs, but very little influence. Their other main policy of zero tuition fees for students was completely dismissed by the Tories and instead increased them to £9K. The minimum wage was enforced at a level only slaves (and students that couldn’t afford tuition fees) would accept, and this wasn’t paid to hundreds of thousands of workers who were exempt because they were on ‘zero hours’ contracts, were under a certain age, were classified as ‘in training’ or didn’t have a father who got them the job in the first place. If you like having ideas for how to run the country, but don’t want any of them implemented, then this is the party for you.

UK INDEPENDENCE PARTY

UKIP have rode a perfect wave of popularity by convincing people that they want out of the EU, and that this will solve all of the country’s problems. They may or may not be right, but whilst all the other parties accuse them of being racist, whilst ignoring the real problems, they have every chance of growing in power. Unfortunately, most of their other policies are written on the back of a fag packet whilst in a pub with their mates. These are usually Tories who feel that the Conservatives are not right wing enough. They manage to talk to ‘the man on the street’, because this is exactly what they are…a group of ‘ordinary people’ who think that because they have an opinion, they know all there is to know and will sort this country out. This party is for you, if you think that the only problem with this country is that there are too many people in it.

GREEN

Originally, the Greens were a party for those that wanted to save the planet at any cost. Anything that was bad for the world and the environment, the Greens were against. Lately they have gained the impression that they might actually have a bit of power after the next election, and their attitudes and policies have softened slightly to become more socialist and left-wing in their attitudes. A recent poll showed that most people in the country agree with their policies IN PRINCIPLE, more than any of the other parties. However this does not mean they stand a chance, as most of their policies would help the country, and the world, but not the individual, and certainly not the selfish, money-grabbing bastards that now hold all the power in the UK. This party is for you if you believe in a future for mankind as a caring, thoughtful and progressive society that sacrifices personal wealth for the sake of humanity. Nice thought…

SNP / PLAID CYMRU / SINN FEIN / OTHERS

These parties are for you if you believe that your local politicians can run a whole country.